Stuff I learnt so far in 2006

To teach an old dog new trick or in my case:

To try to remember whether you got fucked last night without the proof of a cum filled condom next to your bed….

Is pretty much impossible!

If my so-called parents would have known when I was born how hooked I would become to nicotine, the chances are pretty big they would have named me baby Ash Tray.

If I these days would have a healthy relationship with my so-called parents they would probably call me Marcus Mucus.

All Americans do not constantly pick cotton and read the bible.

Most people who push themselves in front of the queues to London buses seems to be fat, and the pushing probably do come down to their fear of not being able to fit in it.

The reason why I am so petrified of cameras is most certainly cuz I wouldn’t be able to cope with printed proofs that I do not look like anything like Linda Evangelista after all.

Now asking a Swede to stop drinking completely is like asking Paris Hilton to find her brain, it just ain’t gonna happen, okay?

It is possible to love someone very dearly even if the person is steeling Easter eggs from dying children.

Gaydar is great when you are “wet” and nowhere to go.

Drinking alcohol modestly will not harm you as long as you don’t end up taking it on like a full time job.

The homeless guy that sleeps outside my job and blocking the entrance is lying when he claims that he lived there for the last 15 years.

There is actually at least one cock here in London that is even too big for poor Geraldine.

My weekends are most of the times these days so quiet that if I would write a blog about them, it would probably go something like this:

Woke up, stayed in my room, went to bed, woke up, thought about going to Tesco but too scary, too many people, went to bed.

If you go without sex for three months you are in risk of overdoing in spit roasts in one night.

If you planning to have children I would highly recommend you to get a serious drug addiction before, cus children are exhausting to deal with. At least try to nibble on some Valium every hour.

When some white sexy guy leans over to you in a bar and whisper in your ear:

-I am blessed like a black man.

He is not talking about his fully lips.

If you apply too much self tanning lotion you might make some poor citizen on the street to think that he is tripping since he will mistake you for a living traffic cone.

Even if you sit next to someone on the bus that do look like a homeless, and is stinking off piss whilst he is stuffing himself with raisins like a cracked out mental patient whilst repeatedly mumbling:

-Argos is best.

He can still have the looks of a true fuckstud.

When one of your best mates is watching himself topless in the mirror and ask you:

-Do you think I am fat?

You shouldn’t really reply:

-Don’t be silly you not fat, just short and wide.

There is absolutely nothing wrong if you love being on your knees and swallow.

Thata three tutas!
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