Now I’m fully aware that I might not be the most clever little cookie that crumbled in the corner cupboard, or however that ridiculous English saying goes, but can someone, just anyone please let me know.......

Where the hell did 2005 fuck off to, huh?

Anyone? A bird?? Don’t need to be a pretty bird......

Lisa Fucking whinging Scott-Lee would easily do right now!!

But I guess she is more of a vulture though, anyway...........

In one of my first blog entrance ever I quoted someone who had said:

What is the point of living, if you don’t feel alive?

Great little life mantra or motivation quote here in life, one of the greatest if you ask me. But as we all know following given advises here in life is not that easy at all times, and I quite frankly failed completely on the one above during last year.

About two months ago or so I was hanging in the bar of Horse Meat Disco, chatting away to a dear friend of mine and I mentioned something about that despite that I thought that 2005 had been a great year I sincerely never want to have another one like that ever again.

Great since I just had realised that yet again I had one of those years that was very interesting and very learning for me on a personal level when it came to the education of life. It was also absolutely shit due to the fact that so far it had been a year when my life just seemed to pass by without me taking any real part of it. I hardly ever took the time out to sit down and reflect on all the things that was happening, and this was due to the total lack of strength and energy.

My friend who knows me very well said that sometimes it is actually good not to think or analyse everything here in life, which I probably do on too many occasions.

However, in my case fact is that 2005 was the year when I was working, working, stressing, stressing, worrying, worrying, running around desperately trying to make sure that no pieces was lost in my jigsaw of life. Not daring to sit down and question myself what I was doing in case I would not be able to face the reality how run down I was. When I did relax I usually locked myself in room with my alcoholic drinks feeling like a mobile phone that was screaming:

Plug me into the bloody socket before my last battery bar finish!

I was house sitting, baby sitting, flat sitting, dog sitting etc. knowing that the only sitting I really needed was to be sitting on a big mutha fucking fat cock and ride myself back into reality or at least out of my somewhat comatose behaviour.

Now the thing is that as I wrote here before I do love stress but last year it got to the point when it went from healthy stress to quite full on insanity. Of course the amount of alcohol that I gulped down my throat did not help my well being, neither did my increasing of fags, there was days when I smoked 60 fags a day.

And all I could think was:

Just wait until next month and then things will change.

Of course something did turn up, usually some job that I couldn’t say no to, so yet another weekend was spent working so I could get some extra cash in my pocket.

And the more stress I dealt with, the more vodka was consumed, and therefor not that much extra dosh in my pockets.

2005 was the year when whether it was good news or bad ones, my reply to myself was always:

-Whatever!

No feelings whatsoever, no real highs, no real lows, nothing, nada. Don’t think I ever felt so non-existing. I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t unhappy. Maybe some people like to be like that but anyone who knows me would probably say that it’s not very me, and I must say I do not enjoy being like that since I need my lows as well as my highs to feel inspired here in life. I got to the point when I had to realise that I had almost stopped caring, maybe not about others but about myself.

When I did get emotional it was usually for the most ridiculous things and completely down to tiredness. Like that late night after work when I cancelled my account with blockbuster online and my eyes was filled with tears after pressing the cancellation button and the screen was filled with a message in big blue letters saying:

Sorry to see you leaving.

On many occasions I felt like such a fake, a complete robot, I was constantly trying to convince myself:

Marcus it’s your life, get involved.

2005 was year when many of my friends went through some rough time, and I must say that I wasn’t very good to be there, which gave me a horrible feeling since I always seems to rely on my friends for support and advises, and more important they never fail to be there.

When I did go out I was pretty tired as it was so it didn’t take me long to get absolutely hammered or trashed ( of course that had nothing to do with how much I consumed!), and when you wake up one morning with someone so freaky looking that even your old mother would look like Barbie herself compared to your shag , then you just know that the time is here to get a grip and get your life back on track.

When November arrived I knew that I got to the point when I had to face that work is not the most important here in life, not only did I seem to take on too much work on my spare time, my full time employment seemed to get more hours all the time.

Only a little bit more than two weeks of January has passed by, but changes have been done for me to feel a bit more involved in my own life. They are not really New Years resolutions, cus I don’t really believe in them since in my case it is just asking for failure and self-disappointments. I see them more of new guidelines to change certain aspects and qualities of my life.

As said earlier it wasn’t a bad year at all, but 2006 is the year when I am determined to enjoy life much more. I don’t have high demands, simple things like lovely spring/ summer evenings leaving Soho after an afternoon chilling and chatting with friends walking home in the sunset. Sunday brunches at some cosy pub, maybe a good book with a nice glass of red in the middle of the week, feeling comfy and relaxed.

Cuz in the end of the day it is about bloody time that Marcus gets back into his fantastic form as the usual scandy sleaze bag who giz his friends when there is a suitable glam bash for them to trash.

After all.....

Being is not the same as existing!

Oh for fuck sake Marcus stop your constant quoting.........
Link to this | Contact me |